Festival Problems By Christopher Jordan

My dick... is... the weirdest fuckin' thing you'll ever see on a human body, on it's best day! And I know all dicks look like shit, hanging outta your gunt like a prolapsed belly-button, covered in shaving cuts and stretch marks, whittled to a stub by unwashed hands, fuckin' warts and lesions, tweezer scars from obsessing over ingrown hairs, bug bites. I got bit on the dick by a praying fuckin' mantis, left it hanging in shorts in Russia like a meat pinata for all the indigenous insects.

But I just got back from tech-fest in England a few days ago (Shout out to 'SikTh' and 'The Colour Pink is Gay'), camping without a shower for 5 days...

...and my dick was a special kind of mingin'! I remember thinking, 'It doesn't even look like a dick anymore. It looks like a snowman. Or like I fucked a pot of cottage cheese. Like it'd be sneezed all over by a fat dude with the flu. It could spread a loaf. I could tip-ex the dictionary!'

Lucky for me, I OD'd on the 5th day and got taken to hospital, and in the hospital, they have these really low sinks in the disabled toilets, about dick height. In the end, I courageously chizzled myself clean and hogged a hospital bed for an hour while a couple women died next to me. One was old and one had tried to kill herself.

My dick is fine now.

in Newark, England, United Kingdom


BE WARNED! My views and opinions are not for everyone. You should avoid reading anything I write if you respect religion, tolerance, sobriety or general human decency.

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