My dick... is... the weirdest fuckin' thing you'll ever see on a human body, on it's best day! And I know all dicks look like shit, hanging outta your gunt like a prolapsed belly-button, covered in shaving cuts and stretch marks, whittled to a stub by unwashed hands, fuckin' warts and lesions, tweezer scars from obsessing over ingrown hairs, bug bites. I got bit on the dick by a praying fuckin' mantis, left it hanging in shorts in Russia like a meat pinata for all the indigenous insects.
But I just got back from tech-fest in England a few days ago (Shout out to 'SikTh' and 'The Colour Pink is Gay'), camping without a shower for 5 days...
...and my dick was a special kind of mingin'! I remember thinking, 'It doesn't even look like a dick anymore. It looks like a snowman. Or like I fucked a pot of cottage cheese. Like it'd be sneezed all over by a fat dude with the flu. It could spread a loaf. I could tip-ex the dictionary!'
Lucky for me, I OD'd on the 5th day and got taken to hospital, and in the hospital, they have these really low sinks in the disabled toilets, about dick height. In the end, I courageously chizzled myself clean and hogged a hospital bed for an hour while a couple women died next to me. One was old and one had tried to kill herself.
My dick is fine now.