2 nights ago, my buddy, let's call him 'David', came to crash at my place after a show. I passed out about half one, he stayed awake.
Turns out that night, David had gotten so stressed out about "something" that he smoked all my cigarettes and took a toilet clogging dump (and bare with me here, I know it's gross) the size of two American footballs. I'm serious! I'll email ya the picture! (firstname.lastname@example.org)
I don't know how he survived.
In the end I had to spear it down the pipe like I was harpooning a whale with a piece of cardboard tubing used to wrap up carpets.
David's like, "I'm sorry man, I'm sorry man, I was so stressed out", all embarassed and shit. I finish laughing, wash my hands 4-5 times, then go to chill out. ....but when I put my laptop on... ...the porno that was playing on it last starts up. He literally said, "Oh no! Oh no!" So David was porn-surfing when my laptop battery died, couldn't get back on because of the password, didn't want to wake me up 'cause he had a stiffy, panicked, smoked all the cigs and broke the bog with a stress-dump.
His real name is David.