Tram Bouncers By Sean Bedlam

I'm on a tram and off to a gig in St Kilda. It's full of people going home, people who just want to be left alone. That's the rules. Respect for others' space is the only way commuting works even slightly. The only other rule of the city is "Get out of the way." It's all quite peaceful.

Of course three young dudes get on at a stop and their Alpha starts harassing people. He's a tall arsehole leaning over into people's faces trying to chat them up, which is in Tram World pretty much assault. If you're talking at people who can't get away you should be beaten with a huge leather Bible until you run into the arms of Jesus. Now you have to live with your family avoiding you because you became a weird Christian. Well done idiot.

What made this event a proper series of assaults was that the guy was not just spraying lots of words. Gobs of saliva hit people's faces as he went from person to person seeking love he may never find because saliva is for inside the cake hole, not for sharing. At the other end of the tram I'm weighing up my manly man possible intervention options when two things happen: a guy stands up to address the spitter and a young man right in front of me has this moment I see happening right on his face before he smoothly stands and appears at the other end of the tram at the elbow of the saliva champ. The tram is stopping at this very moment and our well timed heroes each grab an arm and walk the guy out the door, release him and get back on board to unanimous adulation.

The super cool cat reappeared nearby and sat down like nothing happened, causing me to revaluate my manhood, but then again, maybe I didn't get involved because I was seeing my picture in the next day's newspaper with the headline, "Racist Mob Ejects Black Man From Tram".

in Australia


I'm doing a stand up comedy show called Two Bearded Ladies in the 2015 Melbourne International Comedy Festival.

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Sean's website.


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