Shoplifting By Sean Bedlam

My asshole friends and I used to shoplift Star Wars figures as a hobby. There was no point to it, there was no point to us, we were assholes. We were the kind of teenagers grown ups would look at, shake their heads and say, "If you had a brain you'd be dangerous."

As our secret collections of stolen collectables grew and so did our unearned sense of arrogance, the grown ups graduated to asking searing questions like, "Is there a point to you?" What the adults didn't realise was that for us the world looked like a meaningless wasteland. It was the 80's after all. So it was. I should point out we didn't particularly care about Star Wars either.

We lived in the suburbs, where you obsessed about sport and what was on TV or you were left out. Our little theft spree was our Loser Sport. I don't know what happened to those collectables but I do know one of the most popular sitcoms of the time revolved around a man who later turned out to be a huge sex predator, Bill Cosby. When I think back to those days I wonder what choice kids have in a world that seems to me now and seemed to me then to be built on lies. Thinking about stuff like that is why I'm still a loser. I did give up shoplifting though, so go me.

in Australia


I'm doing a stand up comedy show called Two Bearded Ladies in the 2015 Melbourne International Comedy Festival.

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