Not Quite Right By Jennifer Burke

I tried a bucket bong at a party one night, & for hours I thought I could hear voices in my head; so I started an acapella group... obviously. But then people just thought I had Tourettes.

Which was stupid really, I mean if anyone at school had Tourettes it was Marco... & that bloody Polo kid. Maaarcooo... Pooolooo... guys, get some heeeelp. School was so confusing sometimes; the first time I ever actually saw a game of Marco Polo being played, I was pretty sure a couple of blind kids had lost each other.

I was such a weird kid; used to make up stories about my imaginary friend to get some attention, like when I accused him of sexual harassment. But Mum just said to "Get used to it, all men are bastards" & Dad's advice was to "Stop dressing so slutty... & to get back on my meds."

I thought I still had an imaginary friend when I was about sixteen, which I sort of just put it down to all the weed I was smoking at the time. But no, turns out I was actually seeing someone... just didn't think anyone else could.

I decided to go & see my GP about everything, but I think he was flirting with me cuz he said I was special... even sent me to a specialist. Aww.

So I went back & asked for a breast exam, which he was more than happy to do... provided I blew the candles out & put the lights back on. Oops.

I'm kidding, he actually found two lumps.. but apparently that was normal. Then he gave me one of those pamphlets which shows you how to do it yourself, so I gave it to my brother instead & told him he'd be a hit with the ladies.

Nup... turns out early detection's a bit of a mood killer.

Now I know better than to mix business with pleasure at my doctor's office, except when I’m getting a mammogram... hitting second base on the first date. Or when I'm at Molescan of course... "Slip Slop Slapper" I say.

Right guys!? Guys?


in Gold Coast, Queensland, Australia

 1,395

Comic & Triple J RAW Comedy Grand Finalist. Talker @ 4ZZZ. Bachelor of film @ SAE. Writer. Improv. Muso. Danca? Kombuchaholic. Chronic pain fighter. Rep @ Howell Management #TaxTimeIsLava

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