Don't Listen to Children By Grant Pirie

I went round to my friends house the other night for a simple ‘friendly’ game of Fifa. In the usual fashion I was quickly trailing behind by multiple goals but I saw my opening when my friend paused the game and went to the toilet. As soon as he left the room I resumed the game so that I could at least claw back a few goals before he returned. Just as I was making my way up the pitch my friends little brother came waltzing into the room and stood directly in front of the T.V. The little brother was facing the T.V when I noticed he had a T-shirt on but didn’t have any clothing on his bottom half at all. Suddenly the boy turns round looking at me and slightly flicking and slightly rubbing his willy. I realise that this is not going to look good if anyone walks into the room, a little boy making intense eye contact with me while touching his privates! In my quick thinking I decide the best thing for me to do is give the boy a friendly little kick in the ribs to shoo him away.

I obviously delivered the kick with a little more force than I had intended as he ran away to the next room crying to his mum. What ensued from here is a prime example of why we shouldn’t listen to children, they say what they believe to be the truth but don’t realise it means something completely different to an adults brain. I overheard the little boy running into the next room in tears with no trousers on yelling, “ MUM, MUM, GRANT JUST TOUCHED ME”. Now this is actually a factual statement because I did in fact make contact with him but not in the way his mum is currently thinking I did. I just wanted to get this warning out to the masses before I probably end up on some form of list somewhere. DO NOT LISTEN TO CHILDREN.


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Comedian and musician from Aberdeen, Scotland. Feel free to add me on Facebook and Twitter if the feeling takes you

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