I know nobody wants to hear this, but they say 'write about what you know'. For me, that isn't much. I'm not one to ask about history or politics or how to keep an aquarium from gunking over, but I've probably spent about 40% of my life jerking off and I used to be pretty good at it. If they had jacking off in the Olympics, I'd have been out there mid field with the Scotland flag on my back, neck-and-neck against some Japanese jizz-ninja. I could put 'self abuse' on my CV. But at this point, after a sterilizing combination of endless internet porn and alcohol, it doesn't hold the same magic. So naturally you get creative!
So far, I've half succeeded in trying to drink and smoke myself impotent so I can actually focus on things instead of being distracted by the nut-sack, and at this point, my sewery blood refuses to make the journey south unless there's two interracial lesbians being DP'd by shemales with strap-on'sin front of me. (Yeah, that's probably something you need to build up to, when you've grown a nice, thick callous around your soul.) So just say fuck it. Jack the fuck off on hallucinogens now! Ecstasy or something is perfect, because it's the most challenging, extensive, self-ruining experience you will ever have in your life! Then when you're done, and you're soaked in amphetamine-toxified sweat and yellow seaman because you weren't even hard when you nutted in your own belly hair, you'll be sexually crippled for weeks. Then you fix the fridge light.