I Am The Sexiest Man Alive (well, almost) By Chris Begg

Earlier this year I was nominated as one of the top twenty sexiest men on the Gold Coast. Which is weird considering I'm not very sexy, and I'm definitely not a top of anything. I stood out in the competition. I was the only one wearing a shirt, and I'm the fattest person ever to be nominated for the title.

As part of the festivities an awards night was held at a local night nightclub. The club was split in to two levels; a top level for us VIPs, and the bottom level for all the regular jackoffs.

So much for being VIPs... No one spoke to us all night. Even the photographer bolted when he saw us, and the finger food provided seemed to come straight from a yum cha pack from Woolworths.

After a while of not talking to anyone, I got a little bored, so I decided to go watch the regular jackoffs. In the pockets of the room there were packs of three guys, all looking exactly the same, all on the hunt for pussy. Patiently they'd wait until their prey was vulnerable, then they'd pounce. But there was one guy I'll never forget. This man was bald, not a big deal except that his head looked like a penis. His shirt, not his jacket, had elbow patches on them, and he was grooving like there was no tomorrow. He did, however, have a unique way of picking up women. He'd entice them by sticking his bum in their direction, and wiggle it into them. I'm not sure if he was sexually confused, or a pick up genius.

I didn't win the competition, and if I've learned anything, it's nothing.


in Gold Coast, Queensland, Australia

 2,246

Comedian, Musician, Writer, Animator, and part time human being. Hobbies include tickle fights, playing guitar, cabbage, and high tea parties on the Maharashtra river.

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