Sometimes the Sweetest Things are the Most Dangerous By Andy Thompson

Don’t stick things into electrical sockets. Let sleeping dogs lie. Never anger pregnant women. These are 3 lessons I adhere to in life. Not observing one of them will result in a serious facial injury and a painful death. Dogs and electricity are also dangerous. When my wife was pregnant we had a Craving Incident. One afternoon she suggested we find a bakery somewhere so she could indulge in a vanilla slice. When I laughed and said there wasn’t a bakery nearby she indicated that finding a nearby bakery would be in my best interests and Bad Things would happen if a vanilla slice didn’t appear in her hands. Right. Off to the bakery we go. We arrived at a small shop staffed by a pudgy boy who looked like he had sampled every third sausage roll. I spied a vanilla slice and asked him for it as my wife waited patiently.

One vanilla slice, mate.

That isn’t a vanilla slice. That’s a Neapolitan slice.

Okay. I’ll take it.

But it isn’t a vanilla slice. I mean, it’s kinda like a vanilla slice but it isn’t. You know?

Oh yes. I understand. I simply don’t care. I will take it.

But it isn’t a vanilla slice! It’s different.

Look mate, don’t try and talk me out of this sale. Take my money.

I don’t think you’ll like it.

At this point I assumed the kid wanted it for his mid-afternoon snack but before I could haggle any further my wife approached the counter and said, ever so sweetly…

Just put the fucking slice in a bag and no one gets hurt, okay?

in Nerang, Queensland, Australia


I tell jokes for cash, manly hugs and free drinks. I’ll tell you which way the water flows for free. Comedian, engineer, writer and husky man-about-town.

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