I’ve done a bad thing. I’ve created a monster. Well, a flock of monsters.
I started feeding a pair of magpies a month ago. My wife wasn’t happy with it so I did it on the sly. She’d go to the shops and I’d run out with some cashew nuts and call them down with a whistle. I can hand feed one but the other hangs back and watches. My wife asked me last weekend if I was still feeding them and I smiled and said no. The next morning I heard a magpie calling at the back door. He was right there yelling at me to get some bloody nuts. If the door was open he’d have sauntered inside. I looked at my wife, she looked at the bird and back at me and said “No more…”
I haven’t fed them for weeks but unfortunately they now greet me when I come home like a pack of excited velociraptors; sprinting down the lawn to the car, chirping at me. Yesterday there were four magpies, all yammering at me to go and get some tasty nuts. Obviously the word is getting out that I’m an easy touch. I’m the nut-man, apparently.
“See that bald prick? Yeah? Well, he gives us nuts. Go and ask him for some.”
Yesterday I had to step over them to get to the front door. I was shooing birds out of my way like a crazy man thrashing in a pile of leaves. This morning one of them found out where our bedroom window is. At 5:30 am. Turns out I don’t need an alarm. I have a small black and white reminder to get out of bed and get some goddamn nuts.
This is my life now.