Luke Simmons Subscribe Luke Simmons's Atom Feed

Elsternwick, Victoria, Australia

I believe that life is a (relatively) short ride and that it's crucial to squeeze as many good times out of it as possible. I love travelling, music, reading, writing, all kinds o' sport, & my wife!

May 3, 2012
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What Luke Simmons looks like.

Going in for the sniff

About 4 months ago Gypsy came into our lives. She'd lived her first 5 years with a breeder as a preened up show dog - while also finding time to bear two litters of pups.

When she had her annual checkup this year, they found that she has a heart murmur meaning it'd be best if she did not have anymore litters of pups.



Bewarey of Internet Translators

When I worked for Encyclopaedia Britannica in London, part of my job involved sending promotional material to a distributor of ours in Dubai. So one day I carefully made up a package of fliers and decided to go the extra yard by using a web-based translator to write the message; "Delicate, Do Not Bend" in Arabic on the front of the envelope.



Day & Night

I had a moment when I was making the most of daylight savings by putting the clothes out on the line for my wife. At that point in time, she was putting our little one down to sleep. Fair enough...

I was in the zone, chucking up clothes left right and centre then I got my wife, Camila's shirt and I put it up inside out.



One Big Drag

Many people have got a crazy Uncle. You know, one that's noticeably wilder than the rest of the family.

So, I was in the car with my wife with another couple of friends of ours to spend the weekend away on the beach at one of their Mum's summer houses.



I Whoopied That One Up

May this story be a lesson to any kids (or adults) reading this.

The lesson is this: NEVER drop a saying into a conversation without fully knowing what it means.

Back in 1992, I was at my Dad's place for the weekend and he'd gone out so it was just my step Mum and her home alone.



The day Guns N Roses played at Calder Park - Before the Show

I showed early signs of an addictive personality disorder when I fell in love with GNR at the tail end of primary school.

As you can imagine, I was beside myself when I found out that GNR were going to come to play in Melbourne in Feb 1993 at the height of their fame.



Ode to the Australian Huntsman spider

"Huntsman spiders, members of the family Sparassidae, are known by this name because of their speed and mode of hunting. They are total assholes."

  • Wikipedia

Growing up in Australia, they're unfortunately a part of life. One moment you're feeling around for the light switch in the da



All Tied Up in Brazil

Confused and drunk Australian tourist: - "Where am I? What's going on?"

Attentive Brazilian doctor: - "Garble garble garble garble"

Confused and drunk Australian tourist: - "Arrrrrrrr!!!"

It was June 2014 and I was working as a local guide for an Australian touring group and I was havi



Careful Partying With Mad Frenchmen

During my time in London, I made some great friends and had some pretty crazy times.

One of my best friends was John from France who was/is an amazing chef. If we were heading to his place for dinner of a Saturday night, he'd wake up at the crack of dawn that morning and head to the secret fi



Bumblebee Is Hurt (1986)

This is one of my earliest memories from primary school.

Thanks to the new Optimus Prime toy I'd brought to school, I was admitted into the Transformers group.

We were all busily doing our own thing with some kicking up dust, others having wars and the poor lonely souls without Transformers looking on as we had a ball.



Unfortunate Wardrobe Malfunctions

I've had a gut-full of wardrobe malfunctions during work hours.

The first major breakdown I had was in 2007 when I travelled to Buenos Aires to train up a sales team in Rosario which was 2 hours away by bus. My meeting was first thing in the morning and I caught the last bus arriving late.



My Mud Princess from Glastonbury

Today marks 8 years since my wife, Camila, and I had a ball at Glastonbury. She was METICULOUS about not getting any dirt on her, which was impossible given the downpour. If she got flicked with a bit of mud, she'd get the wet wipes out.

So.... we were rushing at night to get to a band and poor



My brush in with Doc Wheildon

If you don't know who Doc Wheildon is, he's an AFL footballer that played for Fitzroy and showed glimpses of brilliance in the early 1990's.

He was known as being a bit of a showman and getting reported on multiple occasions for wacking opponents.



No Train of Thought

This week I was returning home after a long day at the office by train and put on a memorable display.

During this particular journey, I was busily reading my book and couldn't help but notice when a guy got up and went to exit the train at one of the stops.



The Nudist Beach in Croatia Incident

"Hey guys! Apparently we're about to sail passed a nudist beach!"

At this very moment in mid 2007, I was on a sail boat tour in Croatia with my (now) wife, enjoying some cold beers when one of our new friends shared the piece of intel he'd just received from our skipper.



Getting robbed at knifepoint in Brazil.

It finally happened. After a combined total of 2.5 years living in Brazil, I got robbed last week. Yay... Almost all of my Brazilian friends have been robbed in the past, so I guess my number just came up.

It was around 21:00, I was coming back home after inspecting a venue for an event and I



Birds and the Bees

I don't have any kids right now but I do enjoy other people's kids. However. I prefer to return them to their rightful owners when they become physically or emotionally painful.

Last week, I was playing a local support role for a large group of Australian supporters who came to Brazil to watch



Bitten On The Ass By Stand Up Comedy

As definitely one of the weirdest things I've done in my life, I started doing stand-up comedy here in Brazil last year. It's as good as a learning experience as it is a challenge. I'm not up there with the best. But I don't suck either.

So yesterday, I did a show in the afternoon for the local



Confusing Kissing Culture

While growing up in Australia, it was perfectly accepted to greet a friend of the opposite sex with a not-too-firm handshake. I guess you could say things are a little different here in Brazil when I'm currently living.

When meeting someone from the opposite sex, you have to guess whether it's going to be one, two or three greeting kisses.



Beware of Internet Translators

When I worked for a publisher in London, part of my job involved sending promotional material to a distributor of ours in Dubai. So one day I carefully made up a package of fliers and decided to go the extra yard by using a web-based translator to write the message; "Delicate, Do Not Bend" in Arab



Surviving an avalanche in Brazil

I had just arrived in Porto Alegre (2008) with my girlfriend and happily took up the invitation of one of her friend's, Leandro, to watch a game of football.

Once we arrived at the stadium, Leandro told me to watch out for Grêmio's world famous "avalanche". "Huh?", I asked in my broken Portuguese.



The dangers of cliff jumping in Jamaica

Warning: The subject of this story has not been named and will have probably already forgotten about the incident.

About two months ago, I visited Rick's Cafe in Jamaica. It's a beautiful cliff top bar overlooking crystal clear waters. It's as close to paradise as you'll get.



Black bears and golden rules

Although my wife and I were excited about being in the beautiful Sequoia National Park, we were a little nervous spending our first night in "bear country".

Dutifully following the required protocol, we stowed all of our scented items in the lockable bins to ensure we wouldn't get "carjacked" overnight.



Worst first date

When I was around 14, I was feeling happy with myself having snared a date with a pretty girl I'd met. She asked whether I'd like to ride horses with her on the coming weekend, and I agreed without hesitation.

On the Saturday morning, I arrived at the agreed spot on time and noticed that all of her cliquey mates were joining in too. Okay.



Who said Brazilians take their football seriously...

While living in Brazil, an opportunity came up to head along to watch Grêmio play a crucial away fixture against Internacional - their fierce inner-city rival. It sounded like fun...

So I met my friend near Gremio's home stadium for a pre-match beer and this is where I learned that we'd be getting a police escort for the 3.



Sin Alcohol - From hero to zero

I was in a hostel with three other friends and I decided to be Mr Nice Guy by offering to collect the groceries and drinks for our planned feast later that night.

Down the supermarket, I had no problems selecting the food but was indecisive when it came to drinks.



Hungry street seller in Hanoi

As bad luck would have it, whenever you're not interested in buying something while in Asia, you'll be guaranteed to have every vendor make a magnetic beeline towards you. They'll be trying to sell you food, drinks, sin (wide variety), and/or shonky looking trinkets.



The Pamplona-Barcelona Saga

The situation: Shannon, Craig, Mike & I wake up in a hostel with massive hangovers in San Sebastian & trudge our way to the bus station to head to Barcelona.

We got to the bus station, worked out that everyone else had the same idea & that we couldn't get a ticket! Hmmm.



Revenge Gone Wrong

When I was young, we used to go visit some family friends of ours in the country. I had a bit of a crush on the girl (Lisa) who was my age which probably contributed to a bit of an outburst . You see, my Dad was fooling around and half-dacked (pulled down my pants) me as a bit of a joke which may have exposed my "undies" to Lisa.



Deception at Christmas time

We were all young and naive once right?

During my early years, I used to spend most afternoons at my mate Rob's place who conveniently lived a few doors down the road. He had 2 older (twin) brothers who clearly enjoyed having a lend of our imagination.



Helium balloon mishap

I can remember being at a birthday party and having my first helium balloon experience. I was having a whale of a time, sucking out the gas and making everyone laugh with my cool sounding "jockey" voice.

If only I'd known when to stop....

It seemed as though we were running out of balloons



Chaos before the Grêmio v Internacional game in Brazil

My wife is from Rio Grande do Sul which has around 11 million passionate football fans who are mad about either Grêmio or Internacional. While living there, I got a ticket to the "Grenal" which is the name of the fixture when the fierce rivals clash.



The Light At The End Of The Tunnel Is A Train

While living in London, I was lucky enough to have a cool friendship with a French girl called Christine. We met at a Cut Copy gig in around 2005, started chatting about music and become pals. The main game was introducing one another to cool bands and one day she made me listen to a song called "



Revenge on the school bully

This story is dedicated to anyone that's ever been bullied.

When I was in my first year of high school, my (tiny) friends and I had to deal with a bully who used to target us on the school bus. At that time, home economics (cooking) was a compulsory subject for us and our bully could smell co



Making beds in the army (Jan - Mar 2000)

During the university/college break, I decided to join the army reserves with 4 mates & go through the initial boot camp over our break. When I got there, we were immediately "broken" & built back up in the way that the army deemed fit. It was an intense experience.




After university, I drove 1800km up to Brisbane for a bit of a working holiday. Having no experience, I became frustrated at the lack of interest my resume was gathering so I pounced on this plum-looking Marketing & Sales job which read “NO EXPERIENCE NECESSARY”.



Embarrassment in the Amazon

While living in Brazil in 2009, I was lucky enough to have my Mum over for a visit up to the Amazon. The tours through the river were fantastic and one component of the trip was an overnight stay with some locals. Accessible only by boat, we arrived in the late afternoon with a couple of English guys and met our new hosts at the river bank.



Hetty's mine!

On summer break from university, I worked night shift at my uncle's factory and met some interesting characters. My favourite was a Vietnamese guy called Eric who was always smiling and great for an entertaining one-liner.

One day, I was unpacking boxes in one of the storage rooms with him and



Thankfully lost in translation

During our visit to Ihla Bela (in Brazil), my wife and I decided to check out a beach where this secluded surfing community lives. This place (Porto Bonete) is totally isolated, not accessible by car and is so small it's not on Google Maps!

We set off on our 10km walk through the beautiful na



The worst of my two aborted plane landings in Brazil

While living in Brazil, I was unlucky enough to experience two last-minute aborted landings. The worst of which happened when I was about to touch down in Rio.

It had been a very early start for me as I got the flight from Porto Alegre at around 6am and I spent most of the time sleeping uncomfortably on my window seat.



Tourists getting punk'd in Venice

I enjoy being a bystander in amusing situations. One highlight was when I was traveling in Venice.

Throughout this city, the roads are replaced with waterways and there is wage to be made driving water taxis. I spotted a group of skippers that were waiting in the rank for a job and I was interes