Luke Simmons Subscribe
- Elsternwick, Victoria, Australia
I believe that life is a (relatively) short ride and that it's crucial to squeeze as many good times out of it as possible. I love travelling, music, reading, writing, all kinds o' sport, & my wife!
- May 3, 2012
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Many people have got a crazy Uncle. You know, one that's noticeably wilder than the rest of the family.
So, I was in the car with my wife with another couple of friends of ours to spend the weekend away on the beach at one of their Mum's summer houses.40
May this story be a lesson to any kids (or adults) reading this.
The lesson is this: NEVER drop a saying into a conversation without fully knowing what it means.
Back in 1992, I was at my Dad's place for the weekend and he'd gone out so it was just my step Mum and her home alone.165
I showed early signs of an addictive personality disorder when I fell in love with GNR at the tail end of primary school.
As you can imagine, I was beside myself when I found out that GNR were going to come to play in Melbourne in Feb 1993 at the height of their fame.54
"Huntsman spiders, members of the family Sparassidae, are known by this name because of their speed and mode of hunting. They are total assholes."
Growing up in Australia, they're unfortunately a part of life. One moment you're feeling around for the light switch in the da102
Confused and drunk Australian tourist: - "Where am I? What's going on?"
Attentive Brazilian doctor: - "Garble garble garble garble"
Confused and drunk Australian tourist: - "Arrrrrrrr!!!"
It was June 2014 and I was working as a local guide for an Australian touring group and I was havi258
During my time in London, I made some great friends and had some pretty crazy times.
One of my best friends was John from France who was/is an amazing chef. If we were heading to his place for dinner of a Saturday night, he'd wake up at the crack of dawn that morning and head to the secret fi288
This is one of my earliest memories from primary school.
Thanks to the new Optimus Prime toy I'd brought to school, I was admitted into the Transformers group.
We were all busily doing our own thing with some kicking up dust, others having wars and the poor lonely souls without Transformers looking on as we had a ball.279
I've had a gut-full of wardrobe malfunctions during work hours.
The first major breakdown I had was in 2007 when I travelled to Buenos Aires to train up a sales team in Rosario which was 2 hours away by bus. My meeting was first thing in the morning and I caught the last bus arriving late.184
Today marks 8 years since my wife, Camila, and I had a ball at Glastonbury. She was METICULOUS about not getting any dirt on her, which was impossible given the downpour. If she got flicked with a bit of mud, she'd get the wet wipes out.
So.... we were rushing at night to get to a band and poor376
If you don't know who Doc Wheildon is, he's an AFL footballer that played for Fitzroy and showed glimpses of brilliance in the early 1990's.
He was known as being a bit of a showman and getting reported on multiple occasions for wacking opponents.544
This week I was returning home after a long day at the office by train and put on a memorable display.
During this particular journey, I was busily reading my book and couldn't help but notice when a guy got up and went to exit the train at one of the stops.412
"Hey guys! Apparently we're about to sail passed a nudist beach!"
At this very moment in mid 2007, I was on a sail boat tour in Croatia with my (now) wife, enjoying some cold beers when one of our new friends shared the piece of intel he'd just received from our skipper.1,438
It finally happened. After a combined total of 2.5 years living in Brazil, I got robbed last week. Yay... Almost all of my Brazilian friends have been robbed in the past, so I guess my number just came up.
It was around 21:00, I was coming back home after inspecting a venue for an event and I1,956
I don't have any kids right now but I do enjoy other people's kids. However. I prefer to return them to their rightful owners when they become physically or emotionally painful.
Last week, I was playing a local support role for a large group of Australian supporters who came to Brazil to watch514
As definitely one of the weirdest things I've done in my life, I started doing stand-up comedy here in Brazil last year. It's as good as a learning experience as it is a challenge. I'm not up there with the best. But I don't suck either.
So yesterday, I did a show in the afternoon for the local669
While growing up in Australia, it was perfectly accepted to greet a friend of the opposite sex with a not-too-firm handshake. Maybe even a "hover hand". I guess you could say things are a little different here in Brazil. When meeting someone from the opposite sex, you have to guess whether it's going to be one, two or three greeting kisses.633
When I worked for a publisher in London, part of my job involved sending promotional material to a distributor of ours in Dubai. I carefully made the package and decided to use a web-based translator to write the message, "Delicate, Do Not Bend" in Arabic.588
I had just arrived in Porto Alegre (2008) with my girlfriend and happily took up the invitation of one of her friend's, Leandro, to watch a game of football.
Once we arrived at the stadium, Leandro told me to watch out for Grêmio's world famous "avalanche". "Huh?", I asked in my broken Portuguese.531
Warning: The subject of this story has not been named and will have probably already forgotten about the incident.
About two months ago, I visited Rick's Cafe in Jamaica. It's a beautiful cliff top bar overlooking crystal clear waters. It's as close to paradise as you'll get.2,017
Although my wife and I were excited about being in the beautiful Sequoia National Park, we were a little nervous spending our first night in "bear country".
Dutifully following the required protocol, we stowed all of our scented items in the lockable bins to ensure we wouldn't get "carjacked" overnight.647
When I was around 14, I was feeling happy with myself having snared a date with a pretty girl I'd met. She asked whether I'd like to ride horses with her on the coming weekend, and I agreed without hesitation.
On the Saturday morning, I arrived at the agreed spot on time and noticed that all of her cliquey mates were joining in too. Okay.722
While living in Brazil, an opportunity came up to head along to watch Grêmio play a crucial away fixture against Internacional - their fierce inner-city rival. It sounded like fun...
So I met my friend near Gremio's home stadium for a pre-match beer and this is where I learned that we'd be getting a police escort for the 3.1,233
I was in a hostel with three other friends and I decided to be Mr Nice Guy by offering to collect the groceries and drinks for our planned feast later that night.
Down the supermarket, I had no problems selecting the food but was indecisive when it came to drinks.457
As bad luck would have it, whenever you're not interested in buying something while in Asia, you'll be guaranteed to have every vendor make a magnetic beeline towards you. They'll be trying to sell you food, drinks, sin (wide variety), and/or shonky looking trinkets.1,487
The situation: Shannon, Craig, Mike & I wake up in a hostel with massive hangovers in San Sebastian & trudge our way to the bus station to head to Barcelona.
We got to the bus station, worked out that everyone else had the same idea & that we couldn't get a ticket! Hmmm.619
When I was young, we used to go visit some family friends of ours in the country. I had a bit of a crush on the girl (Lisa) who was my age which probably contributed to a bit of an outburst . You see, my Dad was fooling around and half-dacked (pulled down my pants) me as a bit of a joke which may have exposed my "undies" to Lisa.515
We were all young and naive once right?
During my early years, I used to spend most afternoons at my mate Rob's place who conveniently lived a few doors down the road. He had 2 older (twin) brothers who clearly enjoyed having a lend of our imagination.720
I can remember being at a birthday party and having my first helium balloon experience. I was having a whale of a time, sucking out the gas and making everyone laugh with my cool sounding "jockey" voice.
If only I'd known when to stop....
It seemed as though we were running out of balloons1,203
My wife is from Rio Grande do Sul which has around 11 million passionate football fans who are mad about either Grêmio or Internacional. While living there, I got a ticket to the "Grenal" which is the name of the fixture when the fierce rivals clash.4,317
While living in London, I was lucky enough to have a cool friendship with a French girl called Christine. We met at a Cut Copy gig in around 2005, started chatting about music and become pals. The main game was introducing one another to cool bands and one day she made me listen to a song called "700
This story is dedicated to anyone that's ever been bullied.
When I was in my first year of high school, my (tiny) friends and I had to deal with a bully who used to target us on the school bus. At that time, home economics (cooking) was a compulsory subject for us and our bully could smell co1,006
During the university/college break, I decided to join the army reserves with 4 mates & go through the initial boot camp over our break. When I got there, we were immediately "broken" & built back up in the way that the army deemed fit. It was an intense experience.605
After university, I drove 1800km up to Brisbane for a bit of a working holiday. Having no experience, I became frustrated at the lack of interest my resume was gathering so I pounced on this plum-looking Marketing & Sales job which read “NO EXPERIENCE NECESSARY”.592
While living in Brazil in 2009, I was lucky enough to have my Mum over for a visit up to the Amazon. The tours through the river were fantastic and one component of the trip was an overnight stay with some locals. Accessible only by boat, we arrived in the late afternoon with a couple of English guys and met our new hosts at the river bank.2,009
On summer break from university, I worked night shift at my uncle's factory and met some interesting characters. My favourite was a Vietnamese guy called Eric who was always smiling and great for an entertaining one-liner.
One day, I was unpacking boxes in one of the storage rooms with him and504
During our visit to Ihla Bela (in Brazil), my wife and I decided to check out a beach where this secluded surfing community lives. This place (Porto Bonete) is totally isolated, not accessible by car and is so small it's not on Google Maps!
We set off on our 10km walk through the beautiful na883
While living in Brazil, I was unlucky enough to experience two last-minute aborted landings. The worst of which happened when I was about to touch down in Rio.
It had been a very early start for me as I got the flight from Porto Alegre at around 6am and I spent most of the time sleeping uncomfortably on my window seat.557
I enjoy being a bystander in amusing situations. One highlight was when I was traveling in Venice.
Throughout this city, the roads are replaced with waterways and there is wage to be made driving water taxis. I spotted a group of skippers that were waiting in the rank for a job and I was interes1,250