Jennifer Burke Subscribe Jennifer Burke's Atom Feed

Website
http://www.standup.com.au/comedian/jennifer-burke
Location
Gold Coast, QLD, Australia
Bio

Comedian & JJJ RAW Comedy Grand Finalist. Talker @ 4ZZZ. Writa. Danca. Unprofessional Singer/Songwriter. Kombucha lover. Friends call me Jenooii #ForrestGump

Joined
February 6, 2013
Number of stories
13
Overall rating
Total story views
12,576
Subscribers
20
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What Jennifer Burke looks like.

Offline Dating

I thought taking risks was counter-productive cuz it felt counter-intuitive & was as good as auditioning for MasterChef when all you know how to cook is meth. But that’s the fear talking & you never know when a background in ‘chemical engineering’ might help you score big on the macaroon challenge.

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No Speak English

My inability to string 2 words together or construct a legitimate sentence whilst talking to a woman I’m royally attracted to, appears to be my own personal built in contraceptive method… against the birth of all things venereal, & long term relationships maintained by repartee & intelligent discourse.

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I Hate You. Period.

I wrote a song once called "I Hate You, Period"… but everyone thought I was singing the full stop. So I changed it to "I Hate Menses", so now it sounds like I'm saying I hate men but in a really girly kind of way.

When Mum first told me what would happen every month at random times & places til

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Replacing Sex With a Stiff One

I once had a woman tell me that since her divorce she’d replaced sex with booze, which meant she was now getting trashed once a year... on his birthday. But if she’d replaced drinking with sex instead, she’d be a whore.

Hmm, I see.

So basically, being single was good for both your liver & your twat.

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Selfies

So selfies are fun, hey guys!? Like going to the movies alone, or stalking yourself... or crying while you masturbate. That kind of fun.

I think the only people who should be taking selfies are my relies, so I know what they look like and we don't accidentally meet on Tinder.

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Coming Out

Ever since I can remember I’ve been attracted to women, mostly cuz guys just put up less of a struggle... in a pair of thongs, some stubbies, and a singlet with a beer gut they're pretty much asking for it though aren't they ladeeez?!

Chix all the way I say... cuz a strap-on won’t ever need viagra.

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Not Quite Right

I tried a bucket bong at a party one night, & for hours I thought I could hear voices in my head; so I started an acapella group... obviously. But then people just thought I had Tourettes.

Which was stupid really, I mean if anyone at school had Tourettes it was Marco.

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Puberty Bloobs

Puberty was quite hard for me, I was literally flatter than a pancake for what seemed like an eternity... I was just like two drops of maple syrup on a plate. By the end of primary school it started to look like I’d glued two Strawberries & Creams to myself.

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Nine Months of Rehab

So sometimes I'll go to the chemist & pick myself up a pregnancy test just so people think I have a sex life, or maybe the morning after pill... but not at the same time #awkward

I wouldn’t mind having kids though, I love them; I believe they can make you a better person.

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Gay Arguments

Being in a relationship with another woman can have it perks, like borrowing clothes, no pash rashes & having a good long chat about tampon texture without someone fainting or turning on the cricket to restore balance.

But it can also have its drawbacks, like who sits at the head of the table?

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Celebrity Kids

I've noticed celebrity kids seem to be ageing somewhat faster than the rest of us; one minute they’re a new born on the cover of New Idea... next thing you know they’re celebrating their 9th birthday, creating their own fashion label, & becoming the face of a brand new multi-million dollar tweeny b

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The Personality Smear

It should be compulsory to regularly test for personality abnormalities; this might help to solve the riddle of the arctic weather conditions that have plagued my nether regions for centuries (or thereabouts).

When I first received the 2 yearly reminder I made a joke at one of my gigs saying, "N

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Show Us Ya Tits

Don’t you hate it when guys drive along & yell out, “Show us ya tits!”… but they don’t stop? Fellaaazz… I need more time!

I’m sick of the next car getting a free show, & the one after that telling me to “Put ‘em awaaaay!”… “Oops, sorry Dad, I was just saying hello to the new neighbours… they are SUPER friendly.

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